I was born into an adulterous relationship and I never knew my father as a child. (I met him when I was 17 yrs old, he left my life, and just recently came back into my life. To hopefully build a relationship) I don’t remember my birthdays ever being celebrated, I never felt wanted as a child, I never felt good enough or that I ever fit in, I was made to believe I couldn’t accomplish anything in life. I resented my mom because she couldn’t give me the love and acceptance I needed. I blamed her for everything that was wrong with me, and for how hurt and unwanted I felt. I wouldn’t take responsibility for the wrongs in my life I just blamed it all on my mom. For not loving me and rejecting me. I would also blame my father for abandoning me.
Having my baby girl at 17 didn't complete me
I moved away from home at 15 yrs old. I had no permanent home after that. My mom said “follow the rules or get out” all I chose to hear was “get out” because of my 15 yr old partial hearing and stubborn heart. I again felt rejected and abandoned this time by my mom- I hated her, why couldn’t she love me! At 15 yrs old I thought if I had a baby of my very own, it would love me and accept me. I was 17 yrs old when I got pregnant and I married my daughter's dad. He was an alcoholic and a drug user, when I married him. I thought that if I loved him enough he wouldn’t need to drink or drug anymore (I married him to change him) I was very wrong in thinking this way, he never stopped drinking or drugging, it just got worse. He chose drugs and drink over me and our children. Now I felt abandoned by him and rejected, in favor of a drunk or high. Around the time of my son’s birth, I remember I felt so hurt inside, empty and lonely. As I started reading the Bible I remember feeling alive. I accepted Jesus into my heart, but I soon turned back to my own understanding of God and began trusting in myself. Unfortunately Jesus got put in the backseat of my life. I noticed my marriage was getting intolerable! I even had to resort to donating plasma for diapers. Most of my husband's money went to feed his addiction. When he was left alone with the kids, he would get so drunk and pass out. He was a very neglectful and abusive man. When I had jobs, I couldn’t leave the kids with him. I just couldn’t trust him at all anymore. I divorced him after four years of marriage. I quickly found another man (Thinking this would complete me) My second husband did not drink or do drugs, however he loved the attention of women- other women. In Oct. Of 1998 I went to the “House of Horrors” spook house put on by Mt. Hope Church. I again accepted Jesus back into my heart, but this time it was different. I not only believed in Jesus and invited him in, I surrendered control. I gave him complete control of my life! I saw my desires begin to change. I felt loved and accepted for who I was. Jesus completed me and healed me, he changed my life.
Abuse from the men in my life was common
My second husband was unfaithful again. During our separation I prayed and fasted asking God what to do about my marriage to a man I could not trust. I did not want my husband back! I felt I had been patient enough in his other relationships. God led me to bring my husband home, reluctantly, I did. He was home six weeks and I started noticing comments and actions toward my daughter, that were wrong. Then she told me he touched her and was going into her room after I went to work ( I worked 3rd shift) I divorced my second husband. I felt like a failure as a wife and a mom. (I couldn’t protect my children from either of these men) I have been divorced for awhile now. Jesus is my husband now. I know he can heal my children. They have been hurt by two dad’s. I continue to pray God will let them trust again and allow Jesus to fill the void these “dads” left in their lives. My mom admitted to me that as a child she “couldn’t stand the sight of me” that statement was made when I asked her if she loved me when I was a child. My mom felt guilty about our past family life. I forgive her and love her, my relationship with my mom now is beautiful and I know she loves me today.
I found a way out of the cycle of abuse
I have made some very bad decisions that are my responsibility to deal with. I knew my first husband was an alcoholic however I decided to marry him anyway. My second husband was unfaithful in our relationship before I married him I knew this, and decided to marry him anyway believing once again I could change this about him. God loved me always despite my failures and even turning my back on the love and completeness he offered me. When I was born again in 1998 he gave me the love and acceptance more abundantly than any man could ever offer me. People are not perfect and will always let us down when I put my love, hope and life in Jesus I have never been let down. I have found I also disappoint people and have let them down as well. I am not perfect but I praise God that he accepts me and I will spend the rest of my life serving him and trying to give that love, acceptance and forgiveness to other people who are hurting as much as I was. Thank you Jesus my King for accepting and loving me and my children.
"For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11