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Funny Quotes


"Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in."  Anonymous 

"The number of followers you have doesn’t make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had twelve." Anonymous

"There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works."  Will Rogers

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."  Robert Heinlein

"The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people."  G.K. Chesterton

"Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper."  Unknown

"The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable."  Lane Ollinghouse

"My kids will walk right past their father sitting on the couch and come bang on the shower door for me to open a fruit snack."  The Funny Beaver

“My wife, Mary, and I have been married for forty-seven years, and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce. Murder, yes, but divorce, never.”  Jack Benny

“How could God create the world in only six days? No unions.”   Unknown

“If you don’t think woman are explosive, drop one.”  Unknown

“Young men think old men are fools; but old men know young men are fools.”  George Chapman

"A dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it."  Mary Karr

"Woman aren't confusing. They're a Sudoku-Jenga puzzle surrounded by Rubik's cubes strapped to a terrorist screaming at you in another language."  Mike Vanatta

“I am not young enough to know everything.”  James M. Barrie

“There are no crooked politicians in America. They’ve legalized thievery.”  Frank Dane

“Trust everybody but cut the cards.”  Finley Peter Dunne

“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”  Unknown

"Ok, kids, listen carefully because I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times." @mommyow

“Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.”  Elbert Hubbard

“It is important that young children be able to rely on their parents completely and equally important that grown children not be able to.”  Thomas Sowell

“No matter how bad a child is, he is still good for a tax deduction.”  American Proverb

“Every government has spies in every other country, and every other country know about them. It is merely a form of international courtesy, like exchange professors.”  Robert Benchly

“A statesman is a politician who’s been dead ten or fifteen years”  Harry S. Truman

“Stupidity is a force unto itself.”  Latin Proverb

“Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you.”  Elbert Hubbard

“Put your trust in God; but be sure to keep your powder dry.”  Oliver Cromwell

“Talk to a man about himself and he will listen for hours.”  Benjamin Disraeli

 “Into the closed mouth the fly does not get.”  Philippine Proverb

“Vegetarian: A person who can only eat side dishes.”  Anonymous

“One of life’s greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn’t good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world.”  Jewish Proverb


“A man finds out what is meant by a spitting image when he tries to feed cereal to his infant.”  Unknown

"A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip."  Billy Graham

"This too shall may pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass."  Unknown


"Life is hard, it's harder if you're stupid."  John Wayne


“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?”  Abraham Lincoln


“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”  Alan Dundes


“I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.”  Billy Connolly


“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”  Billy Wilder


“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”  Bob Hope


“We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.”  Bryan White

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."  Lily Tomlin

"Life is like a roll of toilet paper; hopefully long and useful, but it always ends at the wrong moment."   Rudy H

"You are only young once, but you can be immature forever."  Hannah Marks

"Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience."  Mark Twain

"If ignorance is bliss, there should be more happy people."  Victor Cousin

"Thursday doesn't even count as a day, it's just the thing that's blocking Friday."  Anonymous

"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."  Unknown

"A closed mouth gathers no feet."  Sam Horn

"A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house."  Unknown


"Anyone who doesn’t think there are two sides to an argument is probably in one."  Unknown

"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else."  Will Rogers 

"He has Van Gogh’s ear for music." Billy Wilder

"Love your neighbor; yet don’t pull down your hedge."  Ben Franklin 

"God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will never die."  Calvin & Hobbes

"Next to God, we are indebted to women, first for life itself, and then for making it worth having."
Christian Nevell Bovee

"The fact that there's a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers." 

Funny Church Sign

"How do we make Holy Water? We boil the Hell out of it!"  Unknown

"Under the same management for more than 2,000 years." Funny Church Sign

"I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened."  Charles Dickens

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