When I was 15 years old I became very depressed and unhappy with my life. My parents had divorced when I was 12 and my mom had gotten remarried to a man that had 3 children which lived with us. The marriage only lasted a year and they got a divorce. After this, it was just my mom, me and my sister. My mom had started dating and went out on the weekends. I would usually go out with my friends. I really didn't have a reason to commit suicide now that I think back on what led me to make that decision. I wasn't as popular as I wanted to be and my best friend was becoming popular and getting all the attention from the guys. She had a boyfriend and I didn't. I had started smoking and drinking. This made me more depressed.
From depression to flirting with death
On the day I decided to commit suicide, I had been out with my friend. I had a terrible time and started thinking about suicide. We had met these two guys that we knew while we were out and they said they would take us home. We had all been drinking that night but I didn't know the guy that was driving was as drunk as he was. On the way home, I was thinking about how I would commit suicide once I got home.
My mom had always had problems with her kidneys and she had all kinds of prescription medicine in the cabinet. I decided I would take all the pills in the cabinet. Everything that was in the cabinet I would put on the kitchen table and sit down and start taking pills until I passed out. By the time it was morning and my mom got up, I would be dead.
We were just a few miles from home when the driver ran off the road. It had started raining and I guess he must have been driving faster than I realized. The last words I remember being spoken were his friend saying, "Hey man, Get back on the road." The driver must have jerked the truck back on the road because the next thing I remember we were flying through the air.
The truck had hit a row of poles that someone had put up in their yard. The poles were just a few feet high and this caused the truck to go up in the air and flip over. I remember my friend grabbing hold of the steering wheel and saying "Oh my God." I thought to myself maybe I will die in this wreck and then I won't have to go home and take all those pills. This would be easier. It seemed like everything happened in slow motion. I put my hands together and bowed my head and said "Please God don't let this hurt."
The next thing I remember was waking up thinking I was at home in my bed and I was waking up from a dream. I suddenly began to remember what had happened. I had been in a wreck. Everything was pitch black dark and I couldn't see. I tried to move but I couldn't. I felt a horrifying fear come over me. I must be dead. I tried harder to get out of the darkness but I couldn't and I became more and more afraid. Words cannot begin to describe how terrified I was when I realized I must be dead. I had wanted to die and now I had my wish. I didn't want to be dead if this was what it was like. I couldn't see or move; I was just lying there in total darkness with overwhelming fear and loneliness. I began to call out to God. "Please God don't let me be dead. I promise to stop smoking and drinking and I will quit thinking about committing suicide." As I prayed to God, he quickly came and brought me out of the darkness. I began to crawl out from underneath the truck and I saw my friends standing there.
Spared, Saved for a Reason
We had landed upside down in front of someone's house. They called the ambulance and I was taken to the hospital. It was a miracle that I wasn't dead. My head was split wide open to the bone and I had broken my back. I was lucky to be alive.
Statistics say that someone thinking about committing suicide will usually not tell anyone. This is why when they do commit suicide, everyone is so shocked. They didn't know that the person was so depressed. When I decided to commit suicide, I didn't tell anyone, not even my best friend. The only one that knew my thoughts and what I was planning to do was God.
If I hadn't got into that wreck, I would have committed suicide and probably would have died but God didn't let me. He saved me but when I was lying there in that terrifying darkness, I think he was showing me of what it would be like if I had committed suicide. I would have gone to hell. I don't know until this day where I was at, maybe it was the gates of hell and that is why I felt so horrified. All I know is I never want to go back there again!
I urge anyone thinking of suicide to seek help. Trust me you do not want to experience what I did. I am just so thankful that God saved me and didn't let me die. I am grown now and I have two kids and a wonderful husband. My life has been full of trials but God has always been there for me even when I didn't know it.
"But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:8